Election Tips
Australian Edition

2019 Election Tip #1

… enrolling to vote will increase your IQ… it will help you count.

2019 Election Tip #2

… don’t waste your vote. Eat it all up.

2019 Election Tip #3

… let fate decide your vote. Take a mini roulette wheel with you to vote, and have a spin to determine each preference.

2019 Election Tip #4

… if you find yourself agreeing with a candidate, you should seek medical attention.

2019 Election Tip #5

… vote 1, because we don’t want it to be lonely.

2019 Election Tip #6

… your vote will be more democratic if you write your preferences using Ancient Greek numerals: Α, Β, Γ, Δ, etc.

2019 Election Tip #7

… spread a little election cheer and stuff your postal ballot envelope with glitter.

2019 Election Tip #8

… a donkey vote may not be wise, but taking a donkey with you when you vote would certainly make it more legitimate.

2019 Election Tip #9

… A.I. has proven it can drive cars more safely than humans, maybe we should let it vote for us as well.

2019 Election Tip #10

… take a stand this election… I recommend a book stand since it’s easier to carry into the voting booth than a conference stand or a fast food stand.

2019 Election Tip #11

… if you don’t like any of the candidates on the ballot paper, return it and ask them to reshuffle the ballot pile and give you a new one from the top.

2019 Election Tip #12

… if you cannot make a rational choice at the ballot box, use irrational numbers to indicate your preferences, e.g. $\pi$, $e$, $\sqrt{2}$, etc.

2019 Election Tip #13

… it’s no good demanding change at the ballot box… they don’t keep the cash there.

2019 Election Tip #14

… to improve elections, use the over-the-counter drug “Liagra”, which is specifically designed to overcome electile disfunction.

2019 Election Tip #15

… voting below the line may reduce your life expectancy, but for every vote above the line a cute puppy drops dead.

2019 Election Tip #16

… if you want to have a genuine democracy sausage be sure it has the bovine mandate.

2019 Election Tip #17

… the “Australian Democracy Drinking Game”: take a bottle of hooch with you when you go to vote, and enjoy a swig every time a volunteer approaches you with a how-to-vote card or to sell you on their candidate — or tripple-swig if an actual candidate speaks to you. The aim of the game is to make it to the voting booth before passing out.

(Bonus) 2019 Election Tip #18

… stay glued to the TV on election night, to see if you can spot your vote being counted in the election coverage.

2016 Election Tip #1

… not sure about voting preferences? Look over the shoulder of the person in the voting booth next to you and copy their answers.

2016 Election Tip #2

… if you don’t want any Australian to be disadvantaged, be sure that when you vote you don’t put any candidate last.

2016 Election Tip #3

… if you vote “above the line”, you’re obviously high on narcotics . Yet, if you vote “below the line”, you’ve clearly been drinking too much. Best to vote “on the line” to avoid any confusion.

2016 Election Tip #4

… the political party that you vote for will lie and backflip more often than the others, and the policies of the other parties more closely represent your views. So, in practice, you should vote for one of the others.

2016 Election Tip #5

… this election is all about Labor standing up for workers. And ripping them off. It’s also how the Liberals have a plan for growing the economy. And also how they’re reckless with money. It’s about the Greens saving the planet. And them doing nothing to fix things. That’s right folks… Schrödinger’s cat seems to be a candidate for each party and yet appears nowhere on the ballot.

2016 Election Tip #6

… are you worried about being bailed-up by a party candidate spruiking nonsense at your local shopping centre? No need to worry. Stare them down… they will eventually do a backflip. That’s when you can calmly walk away.

2016 Election Tip #7

… if everyone voted for the same candidate there would be no need for elections.

2016 Election Tip #8

… the candidates are just as confused as you are, about what the issues are supposed to be. Give them a confusing vote… encrypt your voting preferences before writing them down. If they want your vote, they’re going to have to decipher it.

2016 Election Tip #9

… your vote is important. Frame your ballot paper after writing your preferences, and ceremonially present it to the wonderful polling officials whilst your buddies take a photo of the presentation.

2016 Election Tip #10

… to ensure that your rights to a secret ballot are protected , wear a balaclava when you vote.

2016 Election Tip #11

… if you are still unsure about voting and the Australian democratic process, then you need to go on a taxpayer-funded fact-funding mission… preferably to a small tropical island, with your family.

2016 Election Tip #12

… use chunky coloured crayons to mark your ballot paper because there’s nothing in the rules to say you can’t.

2016 Election Tip #13

… don’t bother trying to make your vote count, no amount of education will ever cause an inanimate thing to begin to enumerate spontaneously.

2016 Election Tip #14

… vote above the line and ask the election officials for a bulk discount.

2016 Election Tip #15

… just as well that Tasmania isn’t voting to leave Australia. It’d be called the “Taxit” vote.

2016 Election Tip #16

… don’t let anyone steal your vote… eat the ballot paper after casting your vote.

2016 Election Tip #17

… no matter who you vote for the outcome is your fault and the rest of us will be blaming you until the next election.

2016 (Bonus) Election Tip #18

… have a stiff drink.

2013 Election Tip #1

… when you go to your local polling station, ask the volunteers if you’re allowed to have two ballots instead of one, just in case you make a mistake.

2013 Election Tip #2

… when you fill out your ballot, be sure to number the candidates from least favourite to most favourite… this will ensure that your preferred candidate gets the highest number.

2013 Election Tip #3

… after you’ve voted, don’t forget to take your souvenir voting booth with you… excellent as a makeshift bar or a children’s rocket ship.

2013 Election Tip #4

… the candidates and their volunteer helpers need your support and love. After you’ve cast your ballot, give each one of them a big kiss on the lips and let them know that you voted for them and that you’d do it again.

2013 Election Tip #5

… ensure your vote goes to someone who can best represent your concerns… draw an extra box at the end of the ballot, put you name next to it and write the number 1 in that box.

2013 Election Tip #6

… your senate ballot can be used for practical purposes, e.g. use it as gift-wrapping for that cheesecake you’ve kindly donated to the vote counters.

2013 Election Tip #7

… be kind to the voters who don’t want to be there… let them go in front you, explaining to them that you’ve already voted once already and can wait for your second turn.

2013 Election Tip #8

… if you only agree with some of the policies of a candidate, give them a fractional vote.

2013 Election Tip #9

… take a pair of scissors with you when voting, in case you need to split your vote.

2013 Election Tip #10

… if you believe in a fair go for all Australians, vote 1 for each candidate.

2013 (Bonus) Election Tip #11

… don’t post cheeky election tips to Facebook if you don’t want to attract the attention of the AEC.