2016 Election Tips
Election Tip #1
… not sure about voting preferences? Look over the shoulder of the person in the voting booth next to you and copy their answers.
Election Tip #2
… if you don’t want any Australian to be disadvantaged, be sure that when you vote you don’t put any candidate last.
Election Tip #3
… if you vote “above the line”, you’re obviously high on narcotics . Yet, if you vote “below the line”, you’ve clearly been drinking too much. Best to vote “on the line” to avoid any confusion.
Election Tip #4
… the political party that you vote for will lie and backflip more often than the others, and the policies of the other parties more closely represent your views. So, in practice, you should vote for one of the others.
Election Tip #5
… this election is all about Labor standing up for workers. And ripping them off. It’s also how the Liberals have a plan for growing the economy. And also how they’re reckless with money. It’s about the Greens saving the planet. And them doing nothing to fix things. That’s right folks… Schrödinger’s cat seems to be a candidate for each party and yet appears nowhere on the ballot.
Election Tip #6
… are you worried about being bailed-up by a party candidate spruiking nonsense at your local shopping centre? No need to worry. Stare them down… they will eventually do a backflip. That’s when you can calmly walk away.
Election Tip #7
… if everyone voted for the same candidate there would be no need for elections.
Election Tip #8
… the candidates are just as confused as you are, about what the issues are supposed to be. Give them a confusing vote… encrypt your voting preferences before writing them down. If they want your vote, they’re going to have to decipher it.
Election Tip #9
… your vote is important. Frame your ballot paper after writing your preferences, and ceremonially present it to the wonderful polling officials whilst your buddies take a photo of the presentation.
Election Tip #10
… to ensure that your rights to a secret ballot are protected , wear a balaclava when you vote.
Election Tip #11
… if you are still unsure about voting and the Australian democratic process, then you need to go on a taxpayer-funded fact-finding mission… preferably to a small tropical island, with your family.
Election Tip #12
… use chunky coloured crayons to mark your ballot paper because there’s nothing in the rules to say you can’t.
Election Tip #13
… don’t bother trying to make your vote count, no amount of education will ever cause an inanimate thing to begin to enumerate spontaneously.
Election Tip #14
… vote above the line and ask the election officials for a bulk discount.
Election Tip #15
… just as well that Tasmania isn’t voting to leave Australia. It’d be called the “Taxit” vote.
Election Tip #16
… don’t let anyone steal your vote… eat the ballot paper after casting your vote.
Election Tip #17
… no matter who you vote for the outcome is your fault and the rest of us will be blaming you until the next election.
(Bonus) Election Tip #18
… have a stiff drink.
